Most Agreeable

barrelmakersdaughter.com ♦ July 25, 2013 ♦ 3 Comments

Day camp. Adler Park. Summer of 1973.

I can’t tell you if it lasted two weeks, four weeks, or six weeks. I can tell you it felt like years and taught me a painful truth about my value in the hierarchy of my peers; a truth that has been hard to shake.

I was ten that summer, and day camp comprised all the things a nerdy, awkward, plain, strange bookworm like me dreaded: traditional outdoor games, team sports, and swimming. It was torture for me, and torture for the other girls in my camp group to have me there, as they daily made sure I knew. From my clothes, to my hair and looks in general, to my complete lack of athletic ability, I was an easy target to pick on. Already used to being chosen last for teams during gym class at school, I found camp no different. But I learned a new skill that summer–if I was the first to put myself down, the first to demean myself, that was liked by my peers and I could at least stand by them. If I beat them to the punch, I was accepted, in a twisted, cruel way. If I concurred with how worthless I was, I could sit with them at lunch while they made fun of what I ate. If I didn’t speak up for myself when they told the camp counselor that I had volunteered to be the one to get the ball out of the thorn bushes each time it went out-of-bounds, then maybe I could “kind of” swim by them in the pool. By just going along with the way those popular, athletic, and pretty (attributes that translated to power at that age) girls wanted things to be, I learned that their happiness with the situation meant I could sit close enough to pretend to belong.

At the close of camp, an award ceremony was held. We each received a white, circular, paper badge printed with red and blue letters. Called up one by one, our award was called out as the badge was pinned to our chests: Best Swimmer, Prettiest Eyes, Best Runner, Best Smile, Prettiest Hair, Best Laugh, Best Athlete. And then there was mine…Most Agreeable. There is was–validation that suppression of my self-esteem in deference to the wishes and happiness of others was literally reward worthy behavior. My value was in my acceptance of their superiority.

That badge sat in the jewelry box on my dresser for years. Whenever I saw it, it subconsciously reinforced that it was important for me to smile, defer to others and accept what they wanted. I had learned that speaking up for myself was not the way to be included. Conceding to others was the way to have things go smoothly–better to just let others have things their way.

The day I finally ripped that badge into pieces was emotional. I ripped and ripped until the pieces were so small they could be reduced no further by hand.  I’d like to pretend that destroying the badge destroyed the behavior, but that’s deeply ingrained and an ongoing battle. I detest conflict and confrontation. I still defer to power (as an adult, that usually translates to the attributes of money, status and position.)  I’d still rather be Most Agreeable. But every rare once in a while, that esteem that was stunted so long ago finds its way to the surface and I stand up for myself.

The roar of a mouse may be no roar at all, but it might just deserve an award.